Excerpt... Celina’s office in Chicago’s Irving Park neighborhood is a studio loft, with high ceilings and an open, airy feel. It’s clear that this is a place where healing begins. It’s bright, filled with plants, and has a peaceful ambiance. Celina Huerta: A lot of women are also learning that if they don’t want to have sex, and you know, their partner still wants to they’re learning like oh that’s sexual assault, I didn’t know that. Even with that, that's domestic violence. You were forced or you were pressured and now they’re feeling guilty and shameful for not wanting to have sex. Johanna found herself trapped by overthinking. "I'm the problem. This is why he sleeps around. This is why he cheats. Because, porque si no, que necesidad tiene to look for it somewhere else, right? If it was good, he would be here at home. Getting it from me." 100LatinaBirthdays.com
Excerpt...
Celina’s office in Chicago’s Irving Park neighborhood is a studio loft, with high ceilings and an open, airy feel. It’s clear that this is a place where healing begins. It’s bright, filled with plants, and has a peaceful ambiance.
Celina Huerta: A lot of women are also learning that if they don’t want to have sex, and you know, their partner still wants to they’re learning like oh that’s sexual assault, I didn’t know that. Even with that, that's domestic violence. You were forced or you were pressured and now they’re feeling guilty and shameful for not wanting to have sex.
Johanna found herself trapped by overthinking.
"I'm the problem. This is why he sleeps around. This is why he cheats. Because, porque si no, que necesidad tiene to look for it somewhere else, right? If it was good, he would be here at home. Getting it from me."
100LatinaBirthdays.com
100 Latina Birthdays is an original production of LWC Studios. It is made possible by grants from Healthy Communities Foundation, Kellogg Foundation, and the Chicago Foundation for Women, the Community Memorial Foundation, and Visiting Nurses Association. Mujeres Latinas en Acción is the series’ fiscal sponsor.
This episode contains descriptions of sexual abuse and may be distressing to some listeners. Please take care of you by listening with someone else, or skipping it entirely. It also has adult language regarding intimate relations, so we do not recommend it for children under 18.
It’s peak traffic hour in Chicago’s Roscoe Village. Porch lights begin to glow, as neighbors return home after a busy day.
I walk up to one of these inviting homes on the north side of Chicago. There, Johanna Melgoza, greets me with a smile and invites me in. Johanna is a 44-year-old licensed clinical therapist and a survivor of intimate partner violence.
Johanna Melgoza: I think in the beginning there wasn't any violence. Uh, I think it was pretty consensual, but as the relationship progressed, and especially once like, it was like, like when we were married, uh, that's when it was a lot of times, there was, where consent was nonexistent.
Johanna was 23 when she met the man who eventually became her husband and her abuser. He was 21 at the time.
Johanna Melgoza: Because when you're just like dating, everything's just so light and fun. But once you know, things were a little bit more serious, at least for me, I started to think about like, what would be like my role, right? Like what would be my wifely duties?
As Johanna looks back, her words really highlight how confusing and mixed those feelings could be. Interestingly, studies that explore family dynamics show that, in many Latino households, traditional gender roles play a big part in defining these expectations.
Traditionally, in Latino marriages women are often seen as nurturing and selfless, focused on their roles as loyal mothers, while men are typically viewed as the head of the household, embodying strength and masculinity.
The University of Vermont studied 20 Latinas up to age 37 to better understand their experiences with sexual satisfaction, pleasure and desire. Participants confirmed the impact of gender roles in Latino families on the sexual experiences of Latinas – in negative or positive ways.
Johana says she grew up with a lot of preconceived notions of the role of “wife.”
Johanna Melgoza: That's what my focus was when it came to like, my sexuality; was how good can I make somebody else feel?
Johanna Melgoza: Yeah, so iIt was a lot of just forceful sex, just not absolutely no consent. Very painful, different types of sex, including if I could say it, but like anal, which I never consented to. And it was no preparation. Very, very painful. Um, you know, just choking, uh, pulling of like your hair and not in like a sensual kind of way, you know, that sometimes you kind of maybe want a little, a little experience. No, it was just very like, uh, very forceful, very, uh, just, um, demeaning also, right? This, even just the words that would be said and just, I like, you know, how like gross you, I was, or just how disgusting and like all these other things where like, oh, this doesn't feel good and you're just like, not tight enough or, but the physical stuff was, was really like, just painful.
So when it came to like sex towards the latter years, I really, really, uh, I, I dreaded the experience, you know?
Johanna’s memories reveal how painful and dehumanizing that experience was for her. Sadly, stories like hers are more common than we think. Intimate partner violence, or IPV, is when a current or former partner hurts, scares, controls, or pressures the other person in a relationship. It can show up as hitting, sexual pressure or assault, constant put-downs, stalking, or controlling what someone does and who they see.
For over a decade, Johanna says she battled verbal abuse, machismo and violence with her ex-partner.
Johanna Melgoza: Like, oh, you're not tight enough, or, uh, we need to try this because that's the only way that I'll come. That's the only way that I'll feel good, it's the way that you can satisfy me.
Data from Esperanza United, a national anti-domestic violence group, says that about 1 in 3 Latinas will experience intimate partner violence during their lifetime. And 1 in 12 Latinas has experienced IPV in the previous year.
Johanna Melgoza: For the most part, I thought this is it. Right, because it was so ingrained in my head that I was the problem, right? That the reason why he would cheat, or the reason why at times he just wouldn't want to like have sex is because I didn't feel good, right?
Johanna is certainly not alone in feeling guilty and unsafe with her husband.
Johanna Melgoza: You know, there was days when it was like, oh, everything's just. Fantastic and perfect. And then there was those days where it was just like, no, I just didn't feel emotionally safe.
To gain a deeper understanding of experiences like Johanna’s, I visited Clinical psychotherapist Celina Huerta, who treats patients who have experienced intimate partner violence, to learn more about this.
Celina Huerta: A safe sexual partner would look like someone who, uh, validates you and reassures you when you don't wanna have sex. Like, um, when no is a no, that's okay. Or even when it's just physical, right? What, what are physical symptoms? If a person doesn't wanna have sex, they're tense. They're pushing themselves away from you. So even like seeing that and saying, are you okay? Like, do you wanna stop here? Like that's a safe sexual partner.
Celina’s office in Chicago’s Irving Park neighborhood is a studio loft, with high ceilings and an open, airy feel. It’s clear that this is a place where healing begins. It’s bright, filled with plants, and has a peaceful ambiance.
Celina Huerta: A lot of women are also learning that if they don’t want to have sex, and you know, their partner still wants to they’re learning like oh that’s sexual assault, I didn’t know that. Even with that, that's domestic violence. You were forced or you were pressured and now they’re feeling guilty and shameful for not wanting to have sex.
According to Helpguide, an online hub for mental health information, after experiencing sexual violence, victims often notice a change in how they relate to their bodies. They might feel disconnected, overly alert, anxious and experience trauma-related symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, or panic attacks.
Johanna found herself trapped by overthinking.
Johanna Melgoza: I'm the problem. This is why he sleeps around. This is why he cheats. Because, porque si no, que necesidad tiene to look for it somewhere else, right? If it was good, he would be here at home. Getting it from me.
As I listen, and watch her face, I can see how deeply she believed this. Her negative self-talk seems to be a common response to IPV.
Johanna Melgoza: At times, yes. Right. Because there were like sometimes comparisons or I would see, uh, you know, like, like porn was a big thing, right? Like what he was like into. And so I was like, okay, well maybe if I did this, maybe if I worked out, maybe if I, um, acted a certain way. And so it was trying to get like, make myself better right. In order to like become more appealing, become more sexually attractive, um, to him.
Here’s Celina Huerta.
Celina Huerta: I've definitely seen this for a lot of woman, you know, who experienced sexual trauma. Uh, the differences with hypersexuality and hyposexuality, so hypersexuality is they want sex a lot more. And I think this is where a lot of Latinas too with the sexual awakening, they're exploring different partners now too. Especially after experiencing sexual trauma. Um, and hypo sexuality is when they don't want to have sex at all. So there's just a dip in their sexual drive and they don't want it no more. And then they feel like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I have sex? But it's due to the sexual trauma that they've experienced. It just looks different.
IPV survivors like Johanna experience PTSD, anxiety, and depression, along with significant bodily dissociation, which can manifest as a general numbness and a sense of watching their own bodies from the outside. Survivors also can have difficulties in listening to their bodies.
Johanna Melgoza: And it was kinda like that violence but with like that pleasure, because again, your body responds and it just, in my head, it was like, this is not, this does not feel right. It does not align. I don't want this anymore. So I associated sex with like being scary.
This sense that something is not right can be attributed to a few factors, according to the CDC.
Being hit or forced to do things
Verbal or non-verbal threats
And stalking
Celina Huerta says talking about intimate partner violence is one of the first steps to recovery.
Celina Huerta: Number one, storytelling, you know? Um, yeah, sharing their experience because for a lot of women, they never talk about it. And so they're carrying this pain. Um, you know, the embarrassment, um. And there's a lot of anger with their partner, but not just them with themselves. I think, you know, and I think I always hear that, which, you know, saddens me because, you know, they're, they're putting that pressure on themselves too, of like, well, I should have did something, I should have said no, or, you know, I, I, I let them take advantage of me. And so, um, it's rereclaiming, uh, their power too.
For Latina IPV survivors like Johanna, cultural pressures can amplify the self-blame, shame, and embarrassment that often keep women from divulging their IPV experience. That’s according to a review by the Integrated Journal of Advanced Learning. What’s more, Latinas who experience intimate partner violence are less likely to access mental health services than women from other ethnic groups, as documented by Esperanza United, a national treatment center.
For Johanna, covering up was easier than speaking up.
Johanna Melgoza: In every capacity it was like, oh my God, you guys are the perfect couple. You know, everyone loved him. And so it was just kinda my focus then became outside of that, just making this, keeping this up, keeping it up, not causing any waves, being as small and silent as possible.
Johanna was also brought up in a Catholic household, where she learned traditional gender roles, and that keeping quiet was the expected response. When we talked, Joanna echoed the sexist expectation behind the phrase “Calladita te ves más bonita,” which is that Latinas should keep quiet.
In some instances, Catholicism can create an expectation for women to use Mary’s endurance of suffering as a guide in their own lives, especially when the perpetrators of the suffering are men in their lives. Catholic Latinas have ingrained the belief that it is God's plan for them to tolerate abuse, keep forgiving their partner, and stick to their marriage vows no matter what happened.
Johanna says part of her suffering was psychological, especially when it came to her partner’s repeated cheating.
Johanna Melgoza: Whenever I would confront it, it was, I was told like, no, like, you're just being insecure.
Though she says she was aware, it made her question her worth. His actions also made it hard to reconcile her marital experience with what she saw growing up.
Johanna Melgoza: I didn't see my parents engaged in any other type of behavior except to be just really like loving and kind. I mean, these two people like never even fought in front of us, and so the way that I kind of make sense of it now at some is, um, that perhaps maybe I should have been taught conflict resolution. I don't know if that makes sense, you know, because I'm like, well, in my mind it was like, this is how it's supposed to be.
A study by a university in Mexico found that growing up with abuse, neglect, domestic violence, and mental health problems are linked to an increased risk of both being a victim, and becoming an abuser.
Johanna Melgoza: It must be me, right? I must be causing it. I must be doing something wrong because if I didn't, then it would look like my parents' marriage, my parents' relationship.
Johanna paused for a deep breath. Reflecting on a difficult moment, when she discovered her husband was being unfaithful. When everything changed.
Johanna Melgoza: Five years into the marriage where I, there was actual physical evidence, right? And so, and it was like ah, yeah in an old phone. And so when I confronted him about it, um, there was like some information too that I was kind of just like wondering like, well, how many people, how many partners are you? How many other partners or people? How many, I don't call 'em partners, but how many other people are you with? Um, and so there was no way that he can kind of like back track that, right? It was like, aqui esta and how do you deny that? And so in the moment I just was like, okay, this is not something I'm going to, to put up with.
Johanna says her partner started using a standard IPV tool: manipulation.
Johanna Melgoza: Like just all of a sudden I'm like the best wife and woman walking this earth.
Johanna Melgoza: I mean, it was just a lot of like the apologizing, right? Like I messed up and that didn't like the typical things, like the very cliche things, right? That didn't mean anything. And uh, I think it, for a moment it was like the kind of trying to turn it around on me. Um, but then back to like just profusely apologizing.
But she was ready to leave, physically and mentally.
Johanna Melgoza: I was gone, I don't know if that makes sense. You know, it just was not even a shadow of me, like left, I think.
Johanna separated in 2018, but didn’t get an official divorce until 2021.
Johanna Melgoza: And then of course he moved out and he was trying and, you know, to be like a better, uh, more present partner. Um, and I think it just kind of happened where he kind of came back into the fold of things, but we never had a full conversation about expectations.
She admits to being open to working things out, and accepting some of his apologies and overtures. But, she says, ultimately a whole lifetime of manipulation happened during those four years.
Johanna Melgoza: He traveled a lot for work and I saw certain things that I kinda really worked on convincing myself that, that it was not what I was seeing, right. Like, uh, not coming home sometimes. And it would just be followed by like this excuse, oh, you know, I decided to stay in the office because I drank too much at this event. Going to all these networking events, and so, like, things of that sort, um, just started happening more and more and more.
Years marked by apologies and repeated patterns. And as infidelity became more frequent, Johanna says he didn’t bother to hide it.
Johanna Melgoza: And when he came back, it was just custom rate that I would like unpack his things. And so there was a whole box of like condoms there and he saw that I saw it and didn't even make a mention of it. It was almost like, well, this is what you have to put up with, um, type of situation.
But one day, doing something completely forgettable, Johanna had a sharp moment of awareness.
Johanna Melgoza: It was a box of Honey Bunches of Oats that made it, that made me just kind of like, be like, what are you doing? …. Um, and I was at the grocery store, and I could not decide between the family size or the regular size because I was just like, well, what's gonna make him happier? And in an aisle, in one of like the grocery stores, like near the place where I used to live. I was just like, oh my God, this is, you're an intelligent, educated human being for God's sake. Like, what are you doing?
As we’re speaking, her expression remains thoughtful, introspective, and careful. She says her ex went on a short business trip soon after that moment in the store. When he returned…
Johanna Melgoza: And I was just cool as a cucumber, and I was like, okay, this is not gonna work, and I'm done.
But it wasn’t at all that easy.
Johanna Melgoza: Yeah. I think I was very, very broken. I just had no idea like who I was, my sense of identity was lost. Everything was tied to being his wife, you know, and so I felt like I'm nothing, right? Like, I literally am nothing without him, y ahora que voy a hacer, you know?
She promised herself she’d work really hard on trying to redefine her identity. Johanna began a new career, pursuing clinical therapy.
Johanna Melgoza: I felt like a, an obligation to like my future clients, that I had to be okay, that I had to be like right with myself.
But recovering from IPV takes time, support, and believing you can trust again.
For Johanna it took a while to get back into the dating game, and more so, being intimate with anyone.
Johanna Melgoza: I saw sex as something that first was really scary to me because, not because, um, sex is scary, because even that, even though all those, you know, awful things happened, the part that really scared me was that no one is going to be find any pleasure in being with me.
People who go through IPV often face health problems, from physical issues to mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. For women in particular, these effects are pretty common and really serious.
Located in the heart of The Magnificent Mile, just a short walk from the Chicago River, Dr. Jessica Rivera’s office sits on the twenty-fourth floor of a skyscraper. She’s a clinical therapist and a postdoctoral fellow at Center Focused Therapy, a practice that serves the Chicago area.
As we look out over the city skyline, we discuss her primary focus areas, including supporting Latinas through major life changes in their 40s and 50s.
Dr. Jessica Rivera: What I have seen so far is a lot of women almost like building a new relationship with like, who they are. Cause it's almost like it's, it changes the way you think because, it, it is almost like saying like me before this person and me after this person. Um, so it is a very significant moment of like, what is it that I want from now?
For IPV survivors, recovery can take months, years, or even a lifetime.
Dr. Jessica Rivera: how do you gain this belief that you're worthy? That you're not, that you're not trash, that you're not like, la muchacha de la esquina or just somebody else like you are, you're worth it. Um, you deserve love. You deserve care. You deserve respect. And like going from not having that to building that, it can be hard to maintain, sometimes years.
After months of work, Johanna decided that she wanted to give dating a try, but that came with nerves.
Johanna Melgoza: I was so afraid to even get into anything with anybody else because that would lead to sex and then they would find out that I was bad in bed. Hm, right? That I was bad in bad, that I wouldn't feel good, that I was loose, that I was just like, I don't know all these, all the lines, you know, that was like, just what? I was so, so afraid of that.
But she did it. And found a partner that was consistent and respectful enough for her to enjoy sex again.
Johanna Melgoza: Like he wanted to go down on me. And I was like, no, thank you. I'm like, no. He was like, why not? I was like, because that's dirty. You know, he was just like, the fuck are you talking about? Uh, like, no ma'am. You know? And so he was like, and I mean, this man tried, he tried and tried and tried until it was just like, no, you're gonna get comfortable with it. Obviously it very, in a very like playful, very like, um, safe, like careful way.
Dr. Rivera says that in her practice she sees many Latinas who share a deep fear of being vulnerable and intimate with a new partner. This is, primarily, because the thought of facing another machista man feels overwhelming. She emphasizes that seeking guidance from a professional can make a significant difference in navigating these challenges.
Dr. Jessica Rivera: Some women may even experience PTSD, which is post-traumatic stress. Um, so it, that specifically may require not only like psychiatric intervention, but also like, um, like psychotherapy intervention long term. So we're able to tackle the trauma and the experience, um, depending of how the domestic violence did happen.
About 68% of women who’ve experienced IPV are dealing with major depression, a Study in The Journal of Contemporary Social Services.
As middle aged Latinas navigate romantic, intimate and sexual options, Dr. Rivera says they explore in ways they had previously avoided due to cultural norms.
Dr. Jessica Rivera: I've been having women in their forties, fifties coming in and being like, my kids are no longer my main responsibility. I got divorced, so I am like looking at life in a very different like, perception of like all the possibilities for me and this has always been with me, which I think has been interesting. There's been other women that are more like, perhaps I never had the curiosity and now I want to explore.
For Johanna, the exploration began with adult and erotic material.
Johanna Melgoza: So that's when I resorted to like porn and Google, you know, like what does it look like? Um, and then even like with porn, I was kind of confused too because I was like, well, these women, when they orgasm, it looks a certain way. It's not looking like that here am I? Like, do I need more practice? I'm like, uh, if there's something wrong with me, am I really experiencing like an orgasm?
And she had an aha moment.
Johanna Melgoza: I mean, there's still, there was still something that was kind of holding me back and for some reason it just was like, all right, like I give myself permission to give in to all kinds of pleasure, not just sexual pleasure, but all kinds, you know, and so it's a work in progress,
Johanna Melgoza: No. Yeah. And a girl's gotta eat. That's how we're finding out. Okay. It's okay to surf yourself first, you know, from time to time, or maybe always screw that. Always, always, always.
Therapist Celina Huerta, says Latinas in midlife are reimagining their sexuality and self-expression.
Celina Huerta: And then this is where the growing happens of like, okay, what else is out there? Sex toys. Right. Okay. What else? Fantasies of like, you know, having maybe, again, orgies or a threesome or exploring the opposite sex. Right? So, you know, 'cause a lot of women also have those fantasies of. You know, having sex with another woman as well that they never got to explore.
After 11 years of an unhealthy marriage, today Johanna enjoys sexual play, and discovering new fantasies.
Johanna Melgoza: I wanna always feel pleasure. I wanna, like every sexual encounter that I have, you know, I want it to tingle all over my body. I want to like be like, oh my God, I'm sore the next day 'cause it just feels so good. Or if I'm at work and all of a sudden I'm thinking about something, sends a chill down my spine, like that's what I want, like every single time now, you know?
I ask Johanna what she has realized this year, and what she foresees for her next birthday.
Johanna Melgoza: I'm 44 and I'm like already inching into that like, you know, like pre like menopause type of thing. And I'm like. What if my libido goes down, then I would've wasted all this time just not asking, not exploring, not like feeling all the good things, you know, that come with sex.
She looks out the window, takes a deep breath, and responds with a slight smile.
Johanna Melgoza: My birthday is January 6th, and so, uh, yeah, this, it's been like, I think this 44 has been kind of like rough where, um, I still held onto a lot of like, limiting beliefs about myself.
And so, um, certain things have kind of like, had, had to happen, certain relationships had to be like, ended. And in order to kinda, now I'm at the point where I just, I'm like, I feel like I just don't give a fuck and I have to like, not give a fuck or else like, I'm gonna be stuck in that same pattern, right?
Like, just like, I, I just wanna, I'm, I feel like now I have to truly, truly commit to like. Who I am, like, you know, if I wanna be happy, and at the end of the day, I just, I wanna be happy. I wanna be like, I wanna love, I wanna be loved. I haven't given up on that.
If you are a Latina who is going through intimate partner violence, you can immediately contact the following helpline for support and assistance: 1-800-799-7233,
Where a live, trained crisis counselor responds quickly. The crisis counselor helps you move from a hot moment to a cool calm state to stay safe and healthy using effective active listening and suggested referrals.
100 Latina Birthdays is an original production of LWC Studios. It is made possible by grants from Healthy Communities Foundation, Kellogg Foundation, and the Chicago Foundation for Women, the Community Memorial Foundation, and Visiting Nurses Association. Mujeres Latinas en Acción is the series’ fiscal sponsor.
Juleyka Lantigua is the series creator, executive producer, and editor. This episode was reported by me, Carmen Marquez. Mixing and sound design by Florence Barrau-Adams. Fendell Fulton fact checked it. Kori Doran is our marketing associate. Cover Art by Reyna Noriega.
For more information, resources, episode transcripts, and Spanish translations, visit 100latinabirthdays.com. That's one, zero, zero Latina birthdays dot com. Follow us on Instagram, X, and Facebook at 100 Latina Birthdays.
100 Latina Birthdays is an open source podcast. We encourage you to use our episodes and supporting materials in your classrooms, organizations, and anywhere they can compliment your work, and make an impact. You may rebroadcast parts of, or entire episodes, without permission. Just please drop us a line so we can keep track.
Thank you for listening.